Tristan doesn't fit any of the usual labels. He really isn't a "fussy" baby, as long as we hold him and attend to his needs. He isn't "colicky," since he doesn't seem to be in pain. Nor does the word "difficult" ring true; while some people might disagree, I am finding that holding and being near a baby to whom I am becoming so attached to is not all that difficult. Besides, these labels are too negative for this little person who seemed to know so positively what he needed in life and how to get it. Dr. Sears describes babies who need to nurse often, need to be held a lot, need human contact at night, the term "high need child". It best describes the kind of baby Tristan is and the level of parenting he needs.
It started right when we got home from the hospital. We could not for the life of us put Tristan down. He was constantly needing to be in our arms or at my breast. The ever so popular "cry it out" method was suggested by many people. Just put him down and let him "cry it out," we were told. That didn't work at all. His extraordinary persistence kept him crying. His cries did not fade away. They intensified if we didn't respond. He would cry until he sweat through is clothes, until he spit/threw up, and he would continue to cry. "This is not right," I would tell myself. There is something different about my son.
12 FEATURES OF A HIGH NEED BABY... According to Dr. Sears
1. Intense-These babies put more energy into everything they do. They cry loudly, feed voraciously, laugh with gusto, and protest more forcefully if their needs are not met to their satisfaction. Because they feel so deeply, they react more powerfully if their feelings are disturbed.
2. Hyperactive- The muscles and mind of high need children are seldom relaxed or still.
3. Draining- High need babies extract every bit of energy from tired parents -- and then want more
4. Feeds Frequently- "Schedule" is not in the high need baby's vocabulary. Early on these smart infants learn that the breast or bottle is not only a source of nutrition, but also a source of comfort. In fact, research has shown that non-nutritive sucking (sucking for comfort more than food) is one of the earliest ways babies learn to settle.
5. Demanding- High need babies don't just merely request feeding and holding, they demand it -- loudly.
6. Awakens Frequently- You would think that high need babies would need more sleep; certainly their tired parents do.
7. Unsatisfied- There will be days when you nurse, rock, walk, drive, wear, and try every comforting technique known to man or woman, and nothing will work.
8. Unpredictable- Along with their unpredictability, these children show extremes of mood swings. When happy, they are a joy to be around; they are master charmers and people pleasers. When angry, they let everyone around them feel the heat.
9. Super Sensitive- High need babies are keenly aware of the goings-on in their environment. High need babies prefer a secure and known environment, and they are quick to protest when their equilibrium is upset. They startle easily during the day and settle with difficulty at night.
10. Can't Be Put Down- High need babies crave touch, in your arms, at your breasts, in your bed. They also crave motion.
11. Not a Self Soother- High need babies need help to fall asleep. They must learn to trust their parents to help them. This will help them learn to relax on their own, a skill that has value for a lifetime. Crying oneself off to sleep is not a good way to learn to relax. The best way for a baby to learn to relax and fall asleep is to have his behavior shaped for him by a parent. Once a child learns to relax on his own, he'll have no trouble falling asleep, when he's tired, on his own.
12. Separation Sensitive- These infants do not readily accept substitute care and are notoriously slow to warm up to strangers.
It took me a long time to be able to understand my son and his needs. Am I still trying to understand? Of course. It's been a really rocky road, and it continues to be. But understanding my son is the first step in raising my son the best way I can. What mother doesn't want to do the same for her child?
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