I feel like I'm in high school and going through puberty again. I spent so long figuring out who I was and how I fit into this crazy world. Just when I finally became one with myself and was happy with who I was and who I became I go and disrupt that with having a baby!
Another one of those things that you don't get told when you get pregnant, is that when you have your precious little baby your going to lose all sight of who you are because your adding something new to your personal definition. You are now a mother. You struggle to figure out how to add this new hat to your closet, and this is a big hat! One of those large summer hats your see at the Kentucky Derby.
Everything all of a sudden takes the back burner. My marriage, my friends, my job, burlesque, school... it was all put on the back burner while I tried to get this huge hat to fit my head and match my outfit. As you start to realize "Hey, I'm looking good int his hat," you slowly start adding everything back into your life. It's like a big pot of hat soup with layers of flavor all needed to make it delicious.
Of course my marriage was first. It will always be one of the most important things in my life. Having a baby was not just an adjustment for me, it was a huge adjustment for my husband as well. In order for our marriage to continue we had to come together and support each other while we settled into our new roles. It's not an easy task settling into your new role as an individual, it's even harder settling into a new role as a couple. Hey, but that's a whole different blog post.
Friends certainly change. You don't have much in common with your old friends anymore. You seek out friends that are moms for support. It doesn't help that my best friend is a thousand miles away. I find a lot of support from forums on Thebump.com. It's a great place to find other moms to talk to about anything from postpartum sex, to poopy diapers and breastfeeding. I'm not sure how I would have survived pregnancy and these first 6 months without thebump.com
Props to those who can handle going to school with a child. I'm just not that talented. I hate school in the first place, so it's even harder to go back now that I have my son. One thing I do know is that I do not plan to push college on my son. There are so many other career options that don't involve college (we make a very decent living on my husband's pay check that didn't involve college.) I want to support him no matter what career path he picks.
Well, I really miss burlesque. Like so much my heart aches for it. But having a baby really changed my body (stay tuned for future blog post.) I struggle with my self confidence, which is the one thing you NEED to have as a burlesque dancer. So this just might one of those things that stay on the back burner for awhile.
My soup is not ready to eat yet, there are still a lot of ingredients it is missing and it needs to cook for a lot longer. It will be ready soon, at least I hope it's ready before my son turns one.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Zombie Mom
It has been about a month now where Bryan and I have been getting up every hour of the night to get Tristan to go back to sleep. Bryan will bounce him/rock him and I will nurse him. I'm exhausted, and I'm a total bitch. I honestly do not know how I even function. Just call me Zombie Mom.
He was better as a newborn! He would wake up once to eat and fall back to sleep. I do not know what the hell happened. His bed time routine has never changed. He is even eating solids now, I thought that was supposed to help! This child, true to his nick name is a little monkey. He moves and tumbles all over the crib and thus wakes himself up and is incapable of putting himself back to sleep.
I hope, like everything else this is just a phase. But I don't think I can handle it for much longer. I would kill for a four hour stretch of sleep. What is a mom supposed to do?
He was better as a newborn! He would wake up once to eat and fall back to sleep. I do not know what the hell happened. His bed time routine has never changed. He is even eating solids now, I thought that was supposed to help! This child, true to his nick name is a little monkey. He moves and tumbles all over the crib and thus wakes himself up and is incapable of putting himself back to sleep.
I hope, like everything else this is just a phase. But I don't think I can handle it for much longer. I would kill for a four hour stretch of sleep. What is a mom supposed to do?
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Do You Want Another?
It seems to be after nine months of carrying your precious little human being, the second you pop him or her out you get the ever so nosey "Do you want another?" Okay, so I am guilty of asking this as well but when did it become such a societal norm? I have not even had the chance to get to know my little bundle of joy here in my arms before your asking me to create another.
I've wanted children for like EVER. Since I can remember. I always wanted to be a mommy, I always wanted a big family. I come from a small family where I only have one brother who is 7 years younger than me. So basically, I am an only children. I wanted that huge family closeness I never had. I wanted my very own 7th Heaven.
So flash forward to when we decided to "stop preventing." (I never did like the term "try" because unless I am charting or doing invetro I dont see it as trying.) It took two weeks from the time we decided to stop preventing to when I actually got pregnant. WOW. Okay, not expected. In fact, I didnt expect to get pregnant for two or three months. Between being on birth control forever, and my tilted uterus I really did not expect it all. SUPER EXCITING RIGHT! It was very exciting, and we were very blessed.
So yes getting pregnant was easy. If I had to base my decision of having another baby solely on how hard it was to get pregnant, I would say sign me up for another baby right now! Oh but then there was a little thing called delivering a 9 pound 6 ounce baby. Ladies and gentlemen, I make big babies. It was no secret. The ultrasound tech told us at my 20 week appointment that this baby was going to be over 8 pounds. Great! My thoughts at the time "I can handle eight pounds, it's only slightly over average." Oh, but then I started going weekly to my midwives. The first time she felt my belly she insisted on telling me how big my baby was. One of my last few appointments she told me that for the sure the baby will be about 8.5-9 pounds. I remember thinking "It's okay, as long as we do not go over 9 pounds." For some odd reason I had to see a different midwife one day, she felt around my stomach and proceeded to say "My your having a big baby!" Wow, thanks, how many times do people need to tell me how big my baby is going to be! Yes, let's just scare the first time mother to death. Well, turns out they were all right plus some.
Delivery and recovery aside, I get the baby that is "high needs," high maintenance," "spirited." Whatever you want to call it, he is a challenge. See Understanding Tristan post. It a nut shell, he nurses all the time, can not be put down, and for heavens sake HE DOES NOT SLEEP! Fabulous.
So sadly, my dreams of having a large family have come crashing down with multiple tears and stitches and a difficult baby. So please next time you want to ask me if I want another baby, ask me about my experience with this one first.
I've wanted children for like EVER. Since I can remember. I always wanted to be a mommy, I always wanted a big family. I come from a small family where I only have one brother who is 7 years younger than me. So basically, I am an only children. I wanted that huge family closeness I never had. I wanted my very own 7th Heaven.
So flash forward to when we decided to "stop preventing." (I never did like the term "try" because unless I am charting or doing invetro I dont see it as trying.) It took two weeks from the time we decided to stop preventing to when I actually got pregnant. WOW. Okay, not expected. In fact, I didnt expect to get pregnant for two or three months. Between being on birth control forever, and my tilted uterus I really did not expect it all. SUPER EXCITING RIGHT! It was very exciting, and we were very blessed.
So yes getting pregnant was easy. If I had to base my decision of having another baby solely on how hard it was to get pregnant, I would say sign me up for another baby right now! Oh but then there was a little thing called delivering a 9 pound 6 ounce baby. Ladies and gentlemen, I make big babies. It was no secret. The ultrasound tech told us at my 20 week appointment that this baby was going to be over 8 pounds. Great! My thoughts at the time "I can handle eight pounds, it's only slightly over average." Oh, but then I started going weekly to my midwives. The first time she felt my belly she insisted on telling me how big my baby was. One of my last few appointments she told me that for the sure the baby will be about 8.5-9 pounds. I remember thinking "It's okay, as long as we do not go over 9 pounds." For some odd reason I had to see a different midwife one day, she felt around my stomach and proceeded to say "My your having a big baby!" Wow, thanks, how many times do people need to tell me how big my baby is going to be! Yes, let's just scare the first time mother to death. Well, turns out they were all right plus some.
Delivery and recovery aside, I get the baby that is "high needs," high maintenance," "spirited." Whatever you want to call it, he is a challenge. See Understanding Tristan post. It a nut shell, he nurses all the time, can not be put down, and for heavens sake HE DOES NOT SLEEP! Fabulous.
So sadly, my dreams of having a large family have come crashing down with multiple tears and stitches and a difficult baby. So please next time you want to ask me if I want another baby, ask me about my experience with this one first.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Mommy Guilt
I just can not believe all the horrid things that people "forget" to tell you about motherhood when your pregnant. For example, everyone knows how hard and painful labor is but does anyone tell you what a bitch healing and recovery is? NO! Or how about like I said before, people tell you how hard and painful breastfeeding is but do they tell you that your kid can use you like a pacifier? NO! Well, one major thing they also do not tell you about is a little thing called mommy guilt.
Ugh, it's like a black ooze that over takes your soul when you feel like you are not doing what's best for your baby, or incapable of doing what's best for your baby. You tend to see this a lot with working moms, who are financially obligated to return to work to provide the best "financially" for their children but tend to feel guilty because they lack time with their babies and they miss a lot of those firsts. However, that's not to say that SAHM (stay at home moms) do not feel the dreaded darkness of mommy guilt as well. It can be triggered by the simplest thing, like not realizing your child has a poopy diaper and he/she has been sitting in it for awhile and BAM your blaming yourself and feeling guilty. While all along your child is still just smiling and laughing away. So why the guilt?
Sadly, I think a lot of it comes from society. There is so much pressure as to how raise your child that if your not following societal rules you find yourself guilty and ashamed. Every where you go it's a constant nagging from every one.
Examples:
"How old is your baby?" (Insert age here.) "Is he/she sleeping through the night?" (Insert yes/no here.) "Insert judgment statement or advice here."
"How old is your baby?" (Insert age here.) "Is he/she eating solids yet?" (Insert yes/no here.) "Insert judgment statement or advice here."
"How old is your baby?" (Insert age here.) "Is he/she rolling, crawling, walking, talking, etc yet?" (Insert yes/no here.) "Insert judgment statement or advice here."
After constant conversations with strangers (and a lot of times family as well) modeled after these examples, it beats a mom down. What am I doing wrong that is making my child (insert so called societal problem here) and what can I do to fix it? Insert mommy guilt here.
But you know what? What if it does not need to be fixed? What if your child is perfect the way he/she is and what if you are doing exactly what you should be doing the entire time? Follow your heart, trust your instincts and stand strong and the mommy guilt will fade and you will find yourself a much happier mom.
Ugh, it's like a black ooze that over takes your soul when you feel like you are not doing what's best for your baby, or incapable of doing what's best for your baby. You tend to see this a lot with working moms, who are financially obligated to return to work to provide the best "financially" for their children but tend to feel guilty because they lack time with their babies and they miss a lot of those firsts. However, that's not to say that SAHM (stay at home moms) do not feel the dreaded darkness of mommy guilt as well. It can be triggered by the simplest thing, like not realizing your child has a poopy diaper and he/she has been sitting in it for awhile and BAM your blaming yourself and feeling guilty. While all along your child is still just smiling and laughing away. So why the guilt?
Sadly, I think a lot of it comes from society. There is so much pressure as to how raise your child that if your not following societal rules you find yourself guilty and ashamed. Every where you go it's a constant nagging from every one.
Examples:
"How old is your baby?" (Insert age here.) "Is he/she sleeping through the night?" (Insert yes/no here.) "Insert judgment statement or advice here."
"How old is your baby?" (Insert age here.) "Is he/she eating solids yet?" (Insert yes/no here.) "Insert judgment statement or advice here."
"How old is your baby?" (Insert age here.) "Is he/she rolling, crawling, walking, talking, etc yet?" (Insert yes/no here.) "Insert judgment statement or advice here."
After constant conversations with strangers (and a lot of times family as well) modeled after these examples, it beats a mom down. What am I doing wrong that is making my child (insert so called societal problem here) and what can I do to fix it? Insert mommy guilt here.
But you know what? What if it does not need to be fixed? What if your child is perfect the way he/she is and what if you are doing exactly what you should be doing the entire time? Follow your heart, trust your instincts and stand strong and the mommy guilt will fade and you will find yourself a much happier mom.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Living the Dream
It's been a long journey for me and my husband. 12 years this year actually. Today, we come to the close of another chapter in our lives, and readily await the exciting new path we are about to embark on. Today is the last day for my husband at his job of three years (profession of 8.) Tomorrow he starts anew in a similar but yet so very different line of work. Words can not even describe to you how proud I am of him, and how proud I am of us.
We have worked so hard to get to this fabulous place in life where we stand so proudly now. We did things the "right way," scrimped and saved and struggled and went with out. My husband worked very hard to provide for me, and works very hard now to provide for his family. It's very easy to feel like we are living that classic "American Dream."
These are the moments I used to dream about at my so very young age after meeting Bryan (age 12.) I would fall asleep dreaming about the one day we would have our perfect little house, and a bouncing baby in our arms and I would be staying home taking care of the house and the baby. Funny how reality burst that dream bubble. It's not a picture perfect world, but it is a million times better than I had ever imagined it being. What my dreams lacked was the amount of love and pride that has filled our hearts. You can never fully comprehend in a dream the extreme amount of emotion your going to have when you have finally realized all your dreams have come true. You know what's better than actually having all your dreams come true? Knowing that you made them come true.
Yep, we accomplished everything we ever wanted, and we did it by the sweat of our own brows. We didn't get married straight out of high school, have a baby in high school, have to move back in with family, or depend on anyone but each other over the years. We moved out together, and never looked back. We got married and paid for the wedding ourselves (as well as very expensive vet bills.) We moved into a tiny 500 square foot studio to save money for a house, which we bought only what we could afford with no down payment assistance. We had the most amazing little bundle of joy, my little firecracker. I am certainly lucky to be able to afford to stay home with him 5 days a week and still put money into the savings. Blessed for sure.
So I guess all of this is stemming from the fact that as this chapter is closing in our lives I find myself reminiscing on what all we have accomplished so far. It's really a lot now that I write it all down. Now it's time to reevaluate and determine our next set of goals, since we seem to have accomplished all our goals from the last 12 years. Ummmm, that's going to be a tough one because right now I feel like I have accomplished everything I have ever wanted. I guess it's only up hill from here!
"This is no
Yellow brick road
We've been travelin' on
A river of tears
Washed us here
We're right where we belong
We rode it out
No we didn't drown
And look at what we've found"
Martina McBride "City of Love"
We have worked so hard to get to this fabulous place in life where we stand so proudly now. We did things the "right way," scrimped and saved and struggled and went with out. My husband worked very hard to provide for me, and works very hard now to provide for his family. It's very easy to feel like we are living that classic "American Dream."
These are the moments I used to dream about at my so very young age after meeting Bryan (age 12.) I would fall asleep dreaming about the one day we would have our perfect little house, and a bouncing baby in our arms and I would be staying home taking care of the house and the baby. Funny how reality burst that dream bubble. It's not a picture perfect world, but it is a million times better than I had ever imagined it being. What my dreams lacked was the amount of love and pride that has filled our hearts. You can never fully comprehend in a dream the extreme amount of emotion your going to have when you have finally realized all your dreams have come true. You know what's better than actually having all your dreams come true? Knowing that you made them come true.
Yep, we accomplished everything we ever wanted, and we did it by the sweat of our own brows. We didn't get married straight out of high school, have a baby in high school, have to move back in with family, or depend on anyone but each other over the years. We moved out together, and never looked back. We got married and paid for the wedding ourselves (as well as very expensive vet bills.) We moved into a tiny 500 square foot studio to save money for a house, which we bought only what we could afford with no down payment assistance. We had the most amazing little bundle of joy, my little firecracker. I am certainly lucky to be able to afford to stay home with him 5 days a week and still put money into the savings. Blessed for sure.
So I guess all of this is stemming from the fact that as this chapter is closing in our lives I find myself reminiscing on what all we have accomplished so far. It's really a lot now that I write it all down. Now it's time to reevaluate and determine our next set of goals, since we seem to have accomplished all our goals from the last 12 years. Ummmm, that's going to be a tough one because right now I feel like I have accomplished everything I have ever wanted. I guess it's only up hill from here!
"This is no
Yellow brick road
We've been travelin' on
A river of tears
Washed us here
We're right where we belong
We rode it out
No we didn't drown
And look at what we've found"
Martina McBride "City of Love"
Monday, February 14, 2011
Motherhood
Mother = a word that describes and unites women all across the world. And what a beautiful depiction of a woman. However, even though we are all united under this blanket called motherhood we stand divided. Women stand in battle, ready to strike at even the slightest hint of attack on her parenting choices. I know, I'm there. Before I had Tristan, I did not even know such a war existed. Naive Britt thought that mothers respected and supported each other. Boy was I wrong.
Let's see. We first and foremost have the breast feeders (BF) and the formula feeders (FF.) Then there are the disposable diaper (DD) and cloth diapering (CD) moms. Attachment Parents (AP) and BabyWise (BW) supporters. Oh, can not forget the stay at home moms (SAHM) and working moms (WM.) Single moms and non-single moms. Moms of preemies babies, and those of full term. Cry it out (CIO) defenders and surrenders. Really the list goes on. So you have a baby, and next thing you know your trying to fit yourself into these boxes. Where do you belong? Eventually you begin to realize your life has become a complex mathematical equation.
(BF+1/2FF)+DD+(1/2AP-BW)+(1/2SAHM+1/2WM)-CIO=Brittnie and Tristan
Can you saw WOW? So then every time you meet another mom, your comparing equations. Mentally noting what you do that is similar and what you do that is different. Asking questions. Trying really hard not to judge and to not feel judged in return. Every baby is different, and every mom is different. No one's equation is going to look exactly the same. Mom's need to understand this, all mom's. Not just new mom's. What do we need to do to stand united in our motherhood? Maybe instead of concentrating on these long equations of how and why we do things, we need to concentrate on one simple equation.
Mother + ∞ <3 = Perfect
Let's see. We first and foremost have the breast feeders (BF) and the formula feeders (FF.) Then there are the disposable diaper (DD) and cloth diapering (CD) moms. Attachment Parents (AP) and BabyWise (BW) supporters. Oh, can not forget the stay at home moms (SAHM) and working moms (WM.) Single moms and non-single moms. Moms of preemies babies, and those of full term. Cry it out (CIO) defenders and surrenders. Really the list goes on. So you have a baby, and next thing you know your trying to fit yourself into these boxes. Where do you belong? Eventually you begin to realize your life has become a complex mathematical equation.
(BF+1/2FF)+DD+(1/2AP-BW)+(1/2SAHM+1/2WM)-CIO=Brittnie and Tristan
Can you saw WOW? So then every time you meet another mom, your comparing equations. Mentally noting what you do that is similar and what you do that is different. Asking questions. Trying really hard not to judge and to not feel judged in return. Every baby is different, and every mom is different. No one's equation is going to look exactly the same. Mom's need to understand this, all mom's. Not just new mom's. What do we need to do to stand united in our motherhood? Maybe instead of concentrating on these long equations of how and why we do things, we need to concentrate on one simple equation.
Mother + ∞ <3 = Perfect
Friday, February 11, 2011
I Make Milk... What's Your Super Power?
Look over there! It's a bird, it's a plane... it's the Human Pacifier!
There were two really important things to me once I found out I was pregnant, going natural and breastfeeding. Not to toot my own horn or anything (okay maybe a little because I'm damn proud,) but I accomplished both. However, somewhere and somehow someone forgot to tell me babies don't just nurse for food, they nurse for comfort as well. So I was caught thoroughly surprised when my son would stay latched onto my boob for what seemed like 20 out of the 24 hours day (okay maybe a slight exaggeration, but not much!) Those first few months I spent glued to the couch with a boppy in my lap switching from left to right and right to left all damn day long. He would nurse to sleep, I would pull my ever so sore boob out of his mouth and BAM the kid was wide awake ready to scream bloody murder if I did not put it back it. And if by some miracle he did not wake up, the second I laid him down same thing happened (see previous post.) Alas, I became the Incredible, the Amazing, The Human Pacifier! Ta Da! Now I just need a cape! (In the words of Edna Mode: "No Capes!" Good movie.)
So I got myself a boob man, not a big surprise considering who his daddy is (love you honey!) Tristan has let up quite a bit over the last two months, and even more in the last week as we have been working on alternative ways to get him to sleep. So that a much tired mommy can get a little more sleep while daddy can rock him when he wakes in the middle of the night. He has made a lot of progress.
No one can even describe to you the amazing, joyous feeling of breastfeeding. The bonding with your baby is just the beginning. How amazing is it to know that you are producing a life sub staining substance for the tiny human being that without it would die? It's nothing short of a miracle. Since about month three, when Tristan nurses he stares up at me, looking into my eyes and examining my face. It brings tears to my eyes some times. In the last few weeks he wants to reach up and touch my face, to feel everything with his tiny little hands. It's even more precious when he smiles while still half nursing and a little giggle escapes his lips. Just melts your heart.
There are three reasons for breast-feeding: the milk is always at the right temperature; it comes in attractive containers; and the cat can't get it. ~Irena Chalmers
There were two really important things to me once I found out I was pregnant, going natural and breastfeeding. Not to toot my own horn or anything (okay maybe a little because I'm damn proud,) but I accomplished both. However, somewhere and somehow someone forgot to tell me babies don't just nurse for food, they nurse for comfort as well. So I was caught thoroughly surprised when my son would stay latched onto my boob for what seemed like 20 out of the 24 hours day (okay maybe a slight exaggeration, but not much!) Those first few months I spent glued to the couch with a boppy in my lap switching from left to right and right to left all damn day long. He would nurse to sleep, I would pull my ever so sore boob out of his mouth and BAM the kid was wide awake ready to scream bloody murder if I did not put it back it. And if by some miracle he did not wake up, the second I laid him down same thing happened (see previous post.) Alas, I became the Incredible, the Amazing, The Human Pacifier! Ta Da! Now I just need a cape! (In the words of Edna Mode: "No Capes!" Good movie.)
So I got myself a boob man, not a big surprise considering who his daddy is (love you honey!) Tristan has let up quite a bit over the last two months, and even more in the last week as we have been working on alternative ways to get him to sleep. So that a much tired mommy can get a little more sleep while daddy can rock him when he wakes in the middle of the night. He has made a lot of progress.
No one can even describe to you the amazing, joyous feeling of breastfeeding. The bonding with your baby is just the beginning. How amazing is it to know that you are producing a life sub staining substance for the tiny human being that without it would die? It's nothing short of a miracle. Since about month three, when Tristan nurses he stares up at me, looking into my eyes and examining my face. It brings tears to my eyes some times. In the last few weeks he wants to reach up and touch my face, to feel everything with his tiny little hands. It's even more precious when he smiles while still half nursing and a little giggle escapes his lips. Just melts your heart.
There are three reasons for breast-feeding: the milk is always at the right temperature; it comes in attractive containers; and the cat can't get it. ~Irena Chalmers
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Understanding Tristan
Tristan doesn't fit any of the usual labels. He really isn't a "fussy" baby, as long as we hold him and attend to his needs. He isn't "colicky," since he doesn't seem to be in pain. Nor does the word "difficult" ring true; while some people might disagree, I am finding that holding and being near a baby to whom I am becoming so attached to is not all that difficult. Besides, these labels are too negative for this little person who seemed to know so positively what he needed in life and how to get it. Dr. Sears describes babies who need to nurse often, need to be held a lot, need human contact at night, the term "high need child". It best describes the kind of baby Tristan is and the level of parenting he needs.
It started right when we got home from the hospital. We could not for the life of us put Tristan down. He was constantly needing to be in our arms or at my breast. The ever so popular "cry it out" method was suggested by many people. Just put him down and let him "cry it out," we were told. That didn't work at all. His extraordinary persistence kept him crying. His cries did not fade away. They intensified if we didn't respond. He would cry until he sweat through is clothes, until he spit/threw up, and he would continue to cry. "This is not right," I would tell myself. There is something different about my son.
12 FEATURES OF A HIGH NEED BABY... According to Dr. Sears
1. Intense-These babies put more energy into everything they do. They cry loudly, feed voraciously, laugh with gusto, and protest more forcefully if their needs are not met to their satisfaction. Because they feel so deeply, they react more powerfully if their feelings are disturbed.
2. Hyperactive- The muscles and mind of high need children are seldom relaxed or still.
3. Draining- High need babies extract every bit of energy from tired parents -- and then want more
4. Feeds Frequently- "Schedule" is not in the high need baby's vocabulary. Early on these smart infants learn that the breast or bottle is not only a source of nutrition, but also a source of comfort. In fact, research has shown that non-nutritive sucking (sucking for comfort more than food) is one of the earliest ways babies learn to settle.
5. Demanding- High need babies don't just merely request feeding and holding, they demand it -- loudly.
6. Awakens Frequently- You would think that high need babies would need more sleep; certainly their tired parents do.
7. Unsatisfied- There will be days when you nurse, rock, walk, drive, wear, and try every comforting technique known to man or woman, and nothing will work.
8. Unpredictable- Along with their unpredictability, these children show extremes of mood swings. When happy, they are a joy to be around; they are master charmers and people pleasers. When angry, they let everyone around them feel the heat.
9. Super Sensitive- High need babies are keenly aware of the goings-on in their environment. High need babies prefer a secure and known environment, and they are quick to protest when their equilibrium is upset. They startle easily during the day and settle with difficulty at night.
10. Can't Be Put Down- High need babies crave touch, in your arms, at your breasts, in your bed. They also crave motion.
11. Not a Self Soother- High need babies need help to fall asleep. They must learn to trust their parents to help them. This will help them learn to relax on their own, a skill that has value for a lifetime. Crying oneself off to sleep is not a good way to learn to relax. The best way for a baby to learn to relax and fall asleep is to have his behavior shaped for him by a parent. Once a child learns to relax on his own, he'll have no trouble falling asleep, when he's tired, on his own.
12. Separation Sensitive- These infants do not readily accept substitute care and are notoriously slow to warm up to strangers.
It took me a long time to be able to understand my son and his needs. Am I still trying to understand? Of course. It's been a really rocky road, and it continues to be. But understanding my son is the first step in raising my son the best way I can. What mother doesn't want to do the same for her child?
It started right when we got home from the hospital. We could not for the life of us put Tristan down. He was constantly needing to be in our arms or at my breast. The ever so popular "cry it out" method was suggested by many people. Just put him down and let him "cry it out," we were told. That didn't work at all. His extraordinary persistence kept him crying. His cries did not fade away. They intensified if we didn't respond. He would cry until he sweat through is clothes, until he spit/threw up, and he would continue to cry. "This is not right," I would tell myself. There is something different about my son.
12 FEATURES OF A HIGH NEED BABY... According to Dr. Sears
1. Intense-These babies put more energy into everything they do. They cry loudly, feed voraciously, laugh with gusto, and protest more forcefully if their needs are not met to their satisfaction. Because they feel so deeply, they react more powerfully if their feelings are disturbed.
2. Hyperactive- The muscles and mind of high need children are seldom relaxed or still.
3. Draining- High need babies extract every bit of energy from tired parents -- and then want more
4. Feeds Frequently- "Schedule" is not in the high need baby's vocabulary. Early on these smart infants learn that the breast or bottle is not only a source of nutrition, but also a source of comfort. In fact, research has shown that non-nutritive sucking (sucking for comfort more than food) is one of the earliest ways babies learn to settle.
5. Demanding- High need babies don't just merely request feeding and holding, they demand it -- loudly.
6. Awakens Frequently- You would think that high need babies would need more sleep; certainly their tired parents do.
7. Unsatisfied- There will be days when you nurse, rock, walk, drive, wear, and try every comforting technique known to man or woman, and nothing will work.
8. Unpredictable- Along with their unpredictability, these children show extremes of mood swings. When happy, they are a joy to be around; they are master charmers and people pleasers. When angry, they let everyone around them feel the heat.
9. Super Sensitive- High need babies are keenly aware of the goings-on in their environment. High need babies prefer a secure and known environment, and they are quick to protest when their equilibrium is upset. They startle easily during the day and settle with difficulty at night.
10. Can't Be Put Down- High need babies crave touch, in your arms, at your breasts, in your bed. They also crave motion.
11. Not a Self Soother- High need babies need help to fall asleep. They must learn to trust their parents to help them. This will help them learn to relax on their own, a skill that has value for a lifetime. Crying oneself off to sleep is not a good way to learn to relax. The best way for a baby to learn to relax and fall asleep is to have his behavior shaped for him by a parent. Once a child learns to relax on his own, he'll have no trouble falling asleep, when he's tired, on his own.
12. Separation Sensitive- These infants do not readily accept substitute care and are notoriously slow to warm up to strangers.
It took me a long time to be able to understand my son and his needs. Am I still trying to understand? Of course. It's been a really rocky road, and it continues to be. But understanding my son is the first step in raising my son the best way I can. What mother doesn't want to do the same for her child?
The Origin of the Title
For awhile now I have been contemplating creating a blog. To share the joys and struggles of being a mommy to my beautiful baby boy Tristan. A place where I can share all the ups and downs that come with mommyhood. And maybe, just maybe, I will find other mommies out there experiencing the same.
So I decided on January 1st to do the 365... a picture a day challenge. I picture every day of my little man. I am super excited to see how much he changes over the next year, it goes way too fast. Anyway, on January 24th I posted a picture I had taken late in the evening. It was a Monday, and Monday's are always hard for me to get a picture because I work all day. I didn't remember until I got home, after another horrific car ride where my son cried the entire way home. Of course there are tears in his eyes, and his face is all red. A friend of mine that I had spent a semester with at UCD and haven't seen since Maria Zalessky commented "I love this one!" I replied "He had just spent twenty minutes screaming and crying in the car lol." It was then she followed up with "Always darkest before the dawn..." It was a comment that really hit home for me, because she is right. I remember reading her post as tears flowed down my face thinking "it's just a phase, and next thing you know is will be over and you will be wondering where the time went."
So I decided on January 1st to do the 365... a picture a day challenge. I picture every day of my little man. I am super excited to see how much he changes over the next year, it goes way too fast. Anyway, on January 24th I posted a picture I had taken late in the evening. It was a Monday, and Monday's are always hard for me to get a picture because I work all day. I didn't remember until I got home, after another horrific car ride where my son cried the entire way home. Of course there are tears in his eyes, and his face is all red. A friend of mine that I had spent a semester with at UCD and haven't seen since Maria Zalessky commented "I love this one!" I replied "He had just spent twenty minutes screaming and crying in the car lol." It was then she followed up with "Always darkest before the dawn..." It was a comment that really hit home for me, because she is right. I remember reading her post as tears flowed down my face thinking "it's just a phase, and next thing you know is will be over and you will be wondering where the time went."
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