Life In The Fast Lane

Someone please tell me where the last 19 months have gone? I feel like I just peed on the damn stick in the bathroom at work and much to my surprise found out I was pregnant. Now in eight short weeks I will have a 1 year old. WTF!

Part of me screams "Slow down and stop growing so fast!" But the other part of me yells "Grow up already so we can go to Disneyland!" So how do I compromise in this dilemma? I take it one day at a time, trying to live in the moment, and soak up everything that is the right now.

And right now Tristan is napping in the nook of my left arm while I type one handed (which I must say I have gotten pretty good at.) He fits in there just perfectly. He used to be too small, and someday he will be too big. But today he is perfect.

Real Life Minesweeper

Have you ever played Minesweeper? It's the game on your computer where you click the little squares trying to find the color boxes and avoid the bombs? I was never very good at it, and I am probably telling you how to play it wrong. All I know is I ALWAYS find the bombs.

Same holds true to my real life game of Minesweeper. Tristan is a VERY light sleeper. In fact if I hit one these keys too hard on the keyboard while typing this he will most likely wake up. If he hears the kitty outside the closed office door he might wake up, or even hear her bell. I have white noise playing hoping it will drown out a lot of it, but sometimes it is just not strong enough.

Now I am not talking just slightly wake up. Oh no, that is too easy and God forbid Tristan does anything easy. He will full blown wake up. Jolt up, pushes up with his hands and looks around like "Hey where am I? What are we doing? Is it time to play/eat/walk?" And then you are starting the process over to get him back to sleep. UGH!

So I know your asking where the game Minesweeper comes in.Well at some point we need to get Tristan in his crib at night (I WISH he would go there for naps.) Our bedtime routine always included white noise (found in the office.) So you get him to sleep and he is over your shoulder. If  you make it from the sitting position to the standing position without waking him up it's a miracle. Then you will slowly move to open the office door. If he doesn't wake up after opening the door it's a second miracle. Into the hallway and next thing you know SQUEEEEK (BOMB) the floorboards make noise and Tristan is awake. Damn it! So you repeat the chair, door, you remember where you stepped last time so you avoid it. Your able to take a few more steps till SQUEEEK(ANOTHER BOMB) it happens again. Shit! Ok so chair, door, slide left to avoid bomb one, slide right to avoid bomb two and you finally reach Tristan's room when SQUEEEEEEEK (DOUBLE BOMB) you realize the entire area under Tristan's door frame is a major bomb. Off to try again. Chair, door, slide left, slide right, large front slide-hop and you make it to Tristan's room. One last obstacle...laying him down. If you accomplish that life is good and you have just wittnessed 4 miracles 1.Chair 2.Door 3.Bombs 4.Laying down!! (Just be sure to avoid the double bomb on the way out.)

My Son Healed My Heart

So today is the anniversary of something dark and terrible but yet I feel so free and happy. And for that I must thank my son, my amazing baby boy. (Who by the way almost isn't a baby anymore.)

It's almost been a decade since I was molested. It has always been this demented tattoo like burn on my heart that made me feel so disgusted and ashamed. It effected every part of my being and it hasn't been easy to regain my true self back. It's a power struggle. My power, my control, and a major part of myself was taken away that day so many years ago. You do not wake up one day and feel whole again. You battle with yourself all the time about what went wrong and what could you have done to stop it and how are you ever going to feel normal again?

This my friends is a battle I have won.

I don't think I could ever explain how my son healed my heart of that nasty tattoo and made me feel complete again. Quite frankly, I honestly do not know how he did. Maybe the fact that I am no longer here for myself, that everything I have is him and belongs to him. Maybe knowing that my life has purpose, and that purpose is not to be a molested "victim." Maybe having a natural birth helped me accomplish gaining my power and control back of certain previously (mentally and emotionally) stolen areas. It's probably all of the above.

So today I rejoice, I celebrate and I give my son just one more kiss (ok, maybe a lot more) because he has freed mommy from an almost decade long imprisonment. The grass sure is greener outside prison walls.

However, the day would not be complete with out listening to my theme song dedicated to this anniversary. I mean, it is tradition for me to listen to it all day long. Although today I think I only need to listen to it once...

as I would rather be singing, reading, playing, and laughing with my son. 

 

My Lovely Mother In Law

My lovely Mother in Law has been in the hospital for a week. Long story short she needed a heart by-pass, but is doing amazing now!

Today she told me that before surgery she just begged and begged the doctor that she wanted to be here for Tristan's first birthday. Tristan means so much to that woman. I often wonder if she is going to burst with as much love as she has. Well, you are gonna be here for many more birthdays to come!

So I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate this wonderful women in my son's life, rejoice in a surgery that went well, and encourage many more thoughts and prayers for recovery.

Love you!

My Love of Party Planning

We are coming upon Tristan's first birthday, and that means PARTY! I have always loved party planning. From picking a theme, to decorations and food, it is so much fun! Lord knows Tristan is always going to have the best birthday parties. Maybe that is why God blessed me with a Summer baby (despite my hate for Summer,) better weather equals better birthday parties!

We will be getting our back patio built here in the next few weeks. I really wanted it done so we have the space available for his birthday. I just hope we can fit everyone in our back yard.  

So I would rather not let the cat out if the bag for Tristan's first birthday party theme, you will find out soon enough. I will however, post pictures of the different themes I toyed with.

The last three pictures are courtesy of Mary Had A Little Party.

So Guess What?!

I'M NOT CRAZY! At least Tristan's new pediatrician doesn't think so. As a mother of two high needs babies herself, I have finally found someone who UNDERSTANDS! Understands Tristan and understands my hardships as a mother of a high needs baby. She informed me that despite what a lot of other people (which she said most likely included her colleagues) think, I did nothing wrong raising my son and that he is just wired differently than most babies. That no amount of sleep training, pick up/put down, crying it out, Ferber, or scheduling would adhere to my son and change his ways. She told me that unless someone has a high needs baby or has had one that they will never understand what it takes. He is who is and I can not change that. That's the good news.

The bad news is that I am in for a lot of sleepless nights. The doctor said she still wakes up with her 2 year old. She suggests getting a lovie for him. Trying to move his comfort in us to comfort in his lovie. Hey, it's worth a shot! Now I just need to find a lovie.

The doctor also had a few other suggestions besides the lovie. She said that while high needs babies do not do schedules when they are under about ten month, they crave schedules now. So it looks like in the next few weeks we will be working on that. She has said to really introduce sign language. High needs babies have very strong emotions and their lack of mobility and communication really frustrates them and comes off as a fussy baby. Giving them the tools to express that will make everyone in the home much happier. 

So I feel like I have finally hit Dawn in my journey with Tristan.Things are getting easier, and I am finding a good support system. It will only gets brighter from here :)

The Many Faces of Tristan

Every day is like Christmas with Tristan, you never know what face your going to get! It's so amazing because he is just a little sponge absorbing everyone's facial expressions and sounds. Some days I wonder where the heck he learned that face or that noise. It's so much fun. He absolutely loves the mimic game. He makes the "O" face and then I make the "O" face and repeat. This can go on for a good ten minutes! Just as quickly as he learned a new face he forgets and moves on the next. These are just a few of my favorites. 

Top 5 Positive Characteristics of My High Needs Baby

Since I am struggling today with the "why me's" on having a high needs baby , I thought I should try to find the positive in Tristan.

1. He knows exactly what he wants, and doesn't give up.
 He is not indecisive and doesn't need me to tell him what he needs or wants.

2. He gives everything he has and doesn't hold back, including his love.
Whether it's extreme pleasure from walking or extreme anger when I take a toy away. 

3. He can read your feelings.
One night we were sitting in his room. He was playing and I was watching. I was upset and started crying, and then bawling. He crawled up to my lap. I lifted him up over my shoulder and just hysterically cried and rocked his little body. He just laid his head on shoulder not moving a muscle letting me comfort myself with in his embrace. If you know my son, you know he never sits still. It was one of the best moments of my life.

4. He lives for the moment. 
He doesn't care what happened this morning and he doesn't care about what is coming next. All he cares about is the right now. This toy or that hug or Harry the Bunny.

5. He easily adapts to new things, people and environments. 
He soaks up everything about this world. He can go anywhere and be with anyone and tries to absorb everything around him. 


So while yes I have a difficult high needs baby, he is so full of spirit and love that I really should not concentrate on the negative.