My Son Healed My Heart

So today is the anniversary of something dark and terrible but yet I feel so free and happy. And for that I must thank my son, my amazing baby boy. (Who by the way almost isn't a baby anymore.)

It's almost been a decade since I was molested. It has always been this demented tattoo like burn on my heart that made me feel so disgusted and ashamed. It effected every part of my being and it hasn't been easy to regain my true self back. It's a power struggle. My power, my control, and a major part of myself was taken away that day so many years ago. You do not wake up one day and feel whole again. You battle with yourself all the time about what went wrong and what could you have done to stop it and how are you ever going to feel normal again?

This my friends is a battle I have won.

I don't think I could ever explain how my son healed my heart of that nasty tattoo and made me feel complete again. Quite frankly, I honestly do not know how he did. Maybe the fact that I am no longer here for myself, that everything I have is him and belongs to him. Maybe knowing that my life has purpose, and that purpose is not to be a molested "victim." Maybe having a natural birth helped me accomplish gaining my power and control back of certain previously (mentally and emotionally) stolen areas. It's probably all of the above.

So today I rejoice, I celebrate and I give my son just one more kiss (ok, maybe a lot more) because he has freed mommy from an almost decade long imprisonment. The grass sure is greener outside prison walls.

However, the day would not be complete with out listening to my theme song dedicated to this anniversary. I mean, it is tradition for me to listen to it all day long. Although today I think I only need to listen to it once...

as I would rather be singing, reading, playing, and laughing with my son. 

 

My Lovely Mother In Law

My lovely Mother in Law has been in the hospital for a week. Long story short she needed a heart by-pass, but is doing amazing now!

Today she told me that before surgery she just begged and begged the doctor that she wanted to be here for Tristan's first birthday. Tristan means so much to that woman. I often wonder if she is going to burst with as much love as she has. Well, you are gonna be here for many more birthdays to come!

So I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate this wonderful women in my son's life, rejoice in a surgery that went well, and encourage many more thoughts and prayers for recovery.

Love you!

My Love of Party Planning

We are coming upon Tristan's first birthday, and that means PARTY! I have always loved party planning. From picking a theme, to decorations and food, it is so much fun! Lord knows Tristan is always going to have the best birthday parties. Maybe that is why God blessed me with a Summer baby (despite my hate for Summer,) better weather equals better birthday parties!

We will be getting our back patio built here in the next few weeks. I really wanted it done so we have the space available for his birthday. I just hope we can fit everyone in our back yard.  

So I would rather not let the cat out if the bag for Tristan's first birthday party theme, you will find out soon enough. I will however, post pictures of the different themes I toyed with.

The last three pictures are courtesy of Mary Had A Little Party.

So Guess What?!

I'M NOT CRAZY! At least Tristan's new pediatrician doesn't think so. As a mother of two high needs babies herself, I have finally found someone who UNDERSTANDS! Understands Tristan and understands my hardships as a mother of a high needs baby. She informed me that despite what a lot of other people (which she said most likely included her colleagues) think, I did nothing wrong raising my son and that he is just wired differently than most babies. That no amount of sleep training, pick up/put down, crying it out, Ferber, or scheduling would adhere to my son and change his ways. She told me that unless someone has a high needs baby or has had one that they will never understand what it takes. He is who is and I can not change that. That's the good news.

The bad news is that I am in for a lot of sleepless nights. The doctor said she still wakes up with her 2 year old. She suggests getting a lovie for him. Trying to move his comfort in us to comfort in his lovie. Hey, it's worth a shot! Now I just need to find a lovie.

The doctor also had a few other suggestions besides the lovie. She said that while high needs babies do not do schedules when they are under about ten month, they crave schedules now. So it looks like in the next few weeks we will be working on that. She has said to really introduce sign language. High needs babies have very strong emotions and their lack of mobility and communication really frustrates them and comes off as a fussy baby. Giving them the tools to express that will make everyone in the home much happier. 

So I feel like I have finally hit Dawn in my journey with Tristan.Things are getting easier, and I am finding a good support system. It will only gets brighter from here :)

The Many Faces of Tristan

Every day is like Christmas with Tristan, you never know what face your going to get! It's so amazing because he is just a little sponge absorbing everyone's facial expressions and sounds. Some days I wonder where the heck he learned that face or that noise. It's so much fun. He absolutely loves the mimic game. He makes the "O" face and then I make the "O" face and repeat. This can go on for a good ten minutes! Just as quickly as he learned a new face he forgets and moves on the next. These are just a few of my favorites. 

Top 5 Positive Characteristics of My High Needs Baby

Since I am struggling today with the "why me's" on having a high needs baby , I thought I should try to find the positive in Tristan.

1. He knows exactly what he wants, and doesn't give up.
 He is not indecisive and doesn't need me to tell him what he needs or wants.

2. He gives everything he has and doesn't hold back, including his love.
Whether it's extreme pleasure from walking or extreme anger when I take a toy away. 

3. He can read your feelings.
One night we were sitting in his room. He was playing and I was watching. I was upset and started crying, and then bawling. He crawled up to my lap. I lifted him up over my shoulder and just hysterically cried and rocked his little body. He just laid his head on shoulder not moving a muscle letting me comfort myself with in his embrace. If you know my son, you know he never sits still. It was one of the best moments of my life.

4. He lives for the moment. 
He doesn't care what happened this morning and he doesn't care about what is coming next. All he cares about is the right now. This toy or that hug or Harry the Bunny.

5. He easily adapts to new things, people and environments. 
He soaks up everything about this world. He can go anywhere and be with anyone and tries to absorb everything around him. 


So while yes I have a difficult high needs baby, he is so full of spirit and love that I really should not concentrate on the negative.

Parenting...My Way

Having a baby is a huge life adjustment. As a mom you have to adjust to a new body, new routine, new family member. As a dad you have to adjust to a new routine, a changed wife (both inside and out,) and a new family member. As a couple you have to adjust to adding a third member to the family, and learn how to come together to take care of this tiny little human being. It's no easy task.

I have been attached to this tiny little human for ten months. We were connected both physically and emotionally during pregnancy. So OF COURSE when this little guy arrived I KNEW how he should be taken care of, and it needed to my done MY way. Well, that's my initial thought. It's a struggle as a mom to learn to let go, and know that your baby is in good hands even though they are not your own. This even includes your baby's daddy.

 Watching my husband become a dad has been the best experience in my entire life. From the very first time he got to hold Tristan at the hospital, to trying to feed him his dinner the other night (which was a huge mess by the way.) I look forward to the many more father/son moments that are to come. But what a struggle it has been to learn to let Bryan take care of Tristan the way that BRYAN should take care of Tristan. Yes, there are some moments where guys just do not think like girls and he utterly just does not realize that yes it it almost 60 degrees out and yes it's nice outside for you but it's windy and still not warm enough for Tristan to be without a long sleeve onesie. Or when the baby spits up all over himself and the carpet, please do not clean the carpet first and then use the same burp cloth to wipe our son's face. You watched the Kirby sales demo, and you know how dirty the carpet is. However, there are things that I honestly just need to keep my mouth shut about. So what if he uses a different colored bottle top than the bottle bottom? Is that really going to effect our son in any way? So what if our son is a disaster after he feeds him? That is what a bath is for right? And Tristan loves the bath.

It boils down to the fact that Tristan NEEDS his parents to have different parenting styles. He will distinguish what is mommy time and what is daddy time. He will know that certain things are strictly daddy, and others are strictly mommy and then there is also family things too. It will help him understand his parents, help him relate to his parents. Later down the road it will teach him that everyone is unique and does things in their own way and that it is okay cause "Baby You are Born This Way." LOL That statement just totally reminded me of Lady GaGa. Crazy Monster Diva aside, Bryan and I individually bring out the good each other and make a strong team raising our son together. While it's a battle I fight to keep my mouth shut, I just know in the end it will benefit our son and THAT is the ultimate goal.