Being the parent of a Spirited Child can be really lonely. To quote my favorite movie Titanic " I feel like I am standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even looks up."
I feel like grabbing people and shaking them until they UNDERSTAND. Of course then you have the quote "You can't shake sense into people." So I find myself surrounded by people who feel like throwing their ineffective advice at me. I find myself surround by "shut your kid up" stares and "control your child" looks. It is easy to let it beat you down day in and day out. Then who do you turn to? You don't. You have no one because everywhere you look there are children who sleep all night, who walk beside their parents, who listen, who are easily calmed, who are not attached to their hip all day long. I bow to the person who invented the Ergo and think why the heck did I not get one sooner. That thing is amazing.
I have to rely upon myself and my own strength to survive day in and day. But sometimes you just crack (usually at 2 in morning when a very resistant and determined child will not sleep.) After week after week of 2AM wakings you are worn down, tired, drained, discouraged and lost. Then those feelings of loneliness hit full force.
But like I said before.....I won't give up.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
I Won't Give Up
This week has been a major struggle for me as a mother of a spirited toddler. It's been a rough road for sleep, especially last night. I am experiencing the "why me's" again. I am feeling oh so very inadequate, like I am not capable of raising such a determined, persistent, and intense little human being.
So today on one of my many drives to Walmart with Tristan in the back seat I am feeling very depressed. I really couldn't hold it in anymore and I just start crying. It's been a long time since I have cried as the mother of a spirited toddler, but there I was bawling in the drivers seat. I was angry, and I was discouraged. I was angry and discouraged with myself. I was angry and discouraged with my situation. I was angry and discouraged with God. So what do you do in that situation? You pray.
As I am praying and talking with God I turn off my Jewel CD and turn on the radio. And that is when this song came on. It was like a bright light shinning in my life at that moment. I don't think I could pinpoint better words for my relationship with my son.
And all of a sudden, I felt hopeful again.
Jason Mraz "I Wont Give Up"
When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/jason-mraz-i-wont-give-up-lyrics.html ]
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts
We got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we didn't tend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not
And who I am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
I'm still looking up
I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough, he knows
We got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
So today on one of my many drives to Walmart with Tristan in the back seat I am feeling very depressed. I really couldn't hold it in anymore and I just start crying. It's been a long time since I have cried as the mother of a spirited toddler, but there I was bawling in the drivers seat. I was angry, and I was discouraged. I was angry and discouraged with myself. I was angry and discouraged with my situation. I was angry and discouraged with God. So what do you do in that situation? You pray.
As I am praying and talking with God I turn off my Jewel CD and turn on the radio. And that is when this song came on. It was like a bright light shinning in my life at that moment. I don't think I could pinpoint better words for my relationship with my son.
And all of a sudden, I felt hopeful again.
Jason Mraz "I Wont Give Up"
When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/jason-mraz-i-wont-give-up-lyrics.html ]
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts
We got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we didn't tend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not
And who I am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
I'm still looking up
I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough, he knows
We got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
The Transition
I will most likely have a few posts about Transitions, but this one is about me. I feel like I was finally getting a hold of raising my spirited child but then all of sudden my spirited baby turned into a full blown spirited toddler and I am completely lost again. Talk about a confidence destroyer.
I find myself with a whole new set of difficulties that become apparent more and more everyday. Sleep is still the same. He does not wake up or fall asleep easily. It often takes a long time for him to settle down to sleep, and often takes fifteen to twenty minutes to wake up. He is a restless sleeper, often moaning, crying, whimpering, and even talking in his sleep. He can be a very light sleeper, and a meowing cat will wake him up. Have a mentioned how many times I wanted to tape the cats mouth shut? Anyone looking for a very talkative cat? He goes through stages where he does not want to lay down and he reminds me of a monkey. When we go to lay him down he locks is arm around arm and tucks is knees up to his chest and clings to us like a baby monkey would to it's mother. I guess he is living up to his Monkey nick name. He would much rather sleep on our chest. But it has gotten 110% better than it used to be so honestly I can not complain.
The kid is super smart. Traditional toys just do not make him happy, and I am often thinking out of the box for toys that he will play with (did anyone say whisk?) I refuse to buy toys unless I know it is something that will interest him. He would rather sit in my lap and go through the alphabet with me, in which he knows quit a few letters. He would rather count fingers with me and play Itsy Bitsy Spider (which he can do! In his own little way of course.) Did I mention he knows 2 shapes (oval and circle) and one color for sure (purple.) He loves music, especially the guitar. His whisk comes into play here...he plays it like a guitar! It is amazing to watch how music makes his face light up.
My day to day life is still unpredictable, so still very similar to when he was a baby. His moods are unpredictable and swing from happy to mad to sad and back again all with in the same minute. His intensity is still the same, he can just express it better which leads to ultimate melt downs. If there is one thing I know how to do it is avoid melt downs. He experiences emotions so strongly. This is why the famous cry it out just does not always work. There are have been more times than I can count that he has gotten so upset that he has thrown up. It is a matter of learning his cues, and his cries. If he gets too worked up it can take minutes to hours to calm him down. At least now I can avoid the things that make him this upset, where as when he was a baby that was almost impossible. Just living as a baby made him upset.
I am experiencing extreme separation anxiety. He pretty much lives on my hip. So I never get anything done around the house. I am lucky if I get the chance to pee. I have to be quick. I turn the tv on, run up the stairs to bathroom and by the time I am done he has climbed the stairs and is standing in the bathroom with me whining. Or whining at the bottom of the stairs. God forbid I leave the room he is in, follows me everywhere. Independent play seems to be non existent right now. He needs tons of physical contact with Bryan and I. He requires lots of attention, lots of holding. He comes in for lots of hugs during the day. He has his own chair to watch tv in but prefers to be in my lap. He pretty much spends all day in my lap. This is where most of my draining comes from. He requires so much from me, and I often wonder if I even have enough to keep giving. He stretches me out so much, that at the end of the day I have nothing left. Recharging is hard.
Discipline is really HARD. Like really really really HARD. I can not even explain to you how hard it is. Many of the techniques often recommended for this age are just not acceptable for a spirited toddler. You say distraction? I say ya right. Good luck distracting a toddler who knows exactly what he wants and has the determination to get it. Not to mention the high expectations he holds. Not to mention a kid who is going to want to know WHY he can not do something. Always pushing boundaries. This is not a child will just take no for an answer because that is what mommy said and I must "obey" mommy. And you know what? I think I am okay with that. I want us to work together, to learn together. I want him to listen to me because he wants to listen to me, not because I demand it of him.
Daily routines are still a pain in the butt. You would think over time he would realize we are going to take a bath, brush our teeth and get in pjs. Or we are gonna wake up and eat and then get dressed. These things are still a battle. Gives you an idea of his determination huh? Bath time equals wash time. Yet still EVERY single time he still cries, screams, whines. EVERY TIME! Diaper changes have been happening since day one...you would think he would realize it is still going to happen. It has not changed! Nope, it is a constant battle and he often runs away now.
Guess this turned into more of what my child is doing right now than anything else. And the realization that now I truly have a spirited toddler and not a spirited baby anymore. A new chapter. Some things will be easier, and some things will totally be much harder. I have made it this far, so bring it on!
I find myself with a whole new set of difficulties that become apparent more and more everyday. Sleep is still the same. He does not wake up or fall asleep easily. It often takes a long time for him to settle down to sleep, and often takes fifteen to twenty minutes to wake up. He is a restless sleeper, often moaning, crying, whimpering, and even talking in his sleep. He can be a very light sleeper, and a meowing cat will wake him up. Have a mentioned how many times I wanted to tape the cats mouth shut? Anyone looking for a very talkative cat? He goes through stages where he does not want to lay down and he reminds me of a monkey. When we go to lay him down he locks is arm around arm and tucks is knees up to his chest and clings to us like a baby monkey would to it's mother. I guess he is living up to his Monkey nick name. He would much rather sleep on our chest. But it has gotten 110% better than it used to be so honestly I can not complain.
The kid is super smart. Traditional toys just do not make him happy, and I am often thinking out of the box for toys that he will play with (did anyone say whisk?) I refuse to buy toys unless I know it is something that will interest him. He would rather sit in my lap and go through the alphabet with me, in which he knows quit a few letters. He would rather count fingers with me and play Itsy Bitsy Spider (which he can do! In his own little way of course.) Did I mention he knows 2 shapes (oval and circle) and one color for sure (purple.) He loves music, especially the guitar. His whisk comes into play here...he plays it like a guitar! It is amazing to watch how music makes his face light up.
My day to day life is still unpredictable, so still very similar to when he was a baby. His moods are unpredictable and swing from happy to mad to sad and back again all with in the same minute. His intensity is still the same, he can just express it better which leads to ultimate melt downs. If there is one thing I know how to do it is avoid melt downs. He experiences emotions so strongly. This is why the famous cry it out just does not always work. There are have been more times than I can count that he has gotten so upset that he has thrown up. It is a matter of learning his cues, and his cries. If he gets too worked up it can take minutes to hours to calm him down. At least now I can avoid the things that make him this upset, where as when he was a baby that was almost impossible. Just living as a baby made him upset.
I am experiencing extreme separation anxiety. He pretty much lives on my hip. So I never get anything done around the house. I am lucky if I get the chance to pee. I have to be quick. I turn the tv on, run up the stairs to bathroom and by the time I am done he has climbed the stairs and is standing in the bathroom with me whining. Or whining at the bottom of the stairs. God forbid I leave the room he is in, follows me everywhere. Independent play seems to be non existent right now. He needs tons of physical contact with Bryan and I. He requires lots of attention, lots of holding. He comes in for lots of hugs during the day. He has his own chair to watch tv in but prefers to be in my lap. He pretty much spends all day in my lap. This is where most of my draining comes from. He requires so much from me, and I often wonder if I even have enough to keep giving. He stretches me out so much, that at the end of the day I have nothing left. Recharging is hard.
Discipline is really HARD. Like really really really HARD. I can not even explain to you how hard it is. Many of the techniques often recommended for this age are just not acceptable for a spirited toddler. You say distraction? I say ya right. Good luck distracting a toddler who knows exactly what he wants and has the determination to get it. Not to mention the high expectations he holds. Not to mention a kid who is going to want to know WHY he can not do something. Always pushing boundaries. This is not a child will just take no for an answer because that is what mommy said and I must "obey" mommy. And you know what? I think I am okay with that. I want us to work together, to learn together. I want him to listen to me because he wants to listen to me, not because I demand it of him.
Daily routines are still a pain in the butt. You would think over time he would realize we are going to take a bath, brush our teeth and get in pjs. Or we are gonna wake up and eat and then get dressed. These things are still a battle. Gives you an idea of his determination huh? Bath time equals wash time. Yet still EVERY single time he still cries, screams, whines. EVERY TIME! Diaper changes have been happening since day one...you would think he would realize it is still going to happen. It has not changed! Nope, it is a constant battle and he often runs away now.
Guess this turned into more of what my child is doing right now than anything else. And the realization that now I truly have a spirited toddler and not a spirited baby anymore. A new chapter. Some things will be easier, and some things will totally be much harder. I have made it this far, so bring it on!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
The Search For Scarlett
Before I got pregnant I was doing this little thing called Burlesque. It was the most self-fulfilling thing I have ever done in my life. The red lipstick, the high heels, the glitter, the rhinestones, the stage, the music it all just felt....right. My stage name was Scarlett Vixen, and she was very much apart of me. I have lost her since having Tristan and having been searching for her for a long time. I miss her. Now that I have getting close to my pre-pregnancy weight, I can feel her coming out again and I just LOVE it! I can not wait to put my corset back on.
Sadly, I know Burlesque can just never be a part of my life again. My son takes up too much of my time these days, not that I can complain about that. Not to mention do you know how expensive rhinestones are?! So with a heavy heart I lay Burlesque to rest. Now I am looking for ways to intertwine Brittnie and Scarlett so that both women can live each day fully and I can be satisfied in all areas of my life. I do not want to suppress Scarlett because she is so much a part of me it would like removing my heart. But how do you take a high heel, corset, pastie wearing sensual sex Goddess and put her into our modest modern judgmental society?
That is the idea that I am exploring currently. Any ideas?
Sadly, I know Burlesque can just never be a part of my life again. My son takes up too much of my time these days, not that I can complain about that. Not to mention do you know how expensive rhinestones are?! So with a heavy heart I lay Burlesque to rest. Now I am looking for ways to intertwine Brittnie and Scarlett so that both women can live each day fully and I can be satisfied in all areas of my life. I do not want to suppress Scarlett because she is so much a part of me it would like removing my heart. But how do you take a high heel, corset, pastie wearing sensual sex Goddess and put her into our modest modern judgmental society?
That is the idea that I am exploring currently. Any ideas?
WHERE DID SHE GO?!?!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Happy Belated Anniversary To Me!!
I can not believe I missed my blog anniversary! February 9th marked the 1 year anniversary since I started my blog and boy has it been a journey. I have often contemplated changing the name of my blog to something that more fits where I am in life right now with my son but there is just something about it I really like. I feel like I have hit "dawn" and that I am living in daylight 24/7 now. That isn't because things are easier. Actually, there are things that are a lot harder. But I have been able to change the way I look at my son, the feelings I have about my son. I no longer care what certain people think or feel about my son or the way I am raising him. I could not care less about what society has to say about him. I have come to a point where I can fully embrace who he is. I have learned to take those attributes that may seem so negative to everyone else and turn them into positives. My son is thriving and this mommy could not be any more proud of who he is and whatever he will become.
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