Lonely

Being the parent of a Spirited Child can be really lonely. To quote my favorite movie Titanic " I feel like I am standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even looks up."

I feel like grabbing people and shaking them until they UNDERSTAND. Of course then you have the quote "You can't shake sense into people." So I find myself surrounded by people who feel like throwing their ineffective advice at me. I find myself surround by "shut your kid up" stares and "control your child" looks. It is easy to let it beat you down day in and day out. Then who do you turn to? You don't. You have no one because everywhere you look there are children who sleep all night, who walk beside their parents, who listen, who are easily calmed, who are not attached to their hip all day long. I bow to the person who invented the Ergo and think why the heck did I not get one sooner. That thing is amazing.

I have to rely upon myself and my own strength to survive day in and day. But sometimes you just crack (usually at 2 in morning when a very resistant and determined child will not sleep.) After week after week of 2AM wakings you are worn down, tired, drained, discouraged and lost. Then those feelings of loneliness hit full force.

But like I said before.....I won't give up.

I Won't Give Up

This week has been a major struggle for me as a mother of a spirited toddler. It's been a rough road for sleep, especially last night. I am experiencing the "why me's" again. I am feeling oh so very inadequate, like I am not capable of raising such a determined, persistent, and intense little human being.

So today on one of my many drives to Walmart with Tristan in the back seat I am feeling very depressed. I really couldn't hold it in anymore and I just start crying. It's been a  long time since I have cried as the mother of a spirited toddler, but there I was bawling in the drivers seat. I was angry, and I was discouraged. I was angry and discouraged with myself. I was angry and discouraged with my situation. I was angry and discouraged with God. So what do you do in that situation? You pray.

As I am praying and talking with God I turn off my Jewel CD and turn on the radio. And that is when this song came on. It was like a bright light shinning in my life at that moment. I don't think I could pinpoint better words for my relationship with my son.

And all of a sudden, I felt hopeful again.

Jason Mraz "I Wont Give Up"

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/jason-mraz-i-wont-give-up-lyrics.html ]
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts
We got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we didn't tend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
I'm still looking up

I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough, he knows
We got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

Wordless Wednesday